Again how much do i believe – talk about marriage

We see this so much, I post this at least once a week. Cheaters follow a pretty predictable script. They cheat, they lie, they get caught, they deny, they tell you only what you can actually prove, their story doesn’t make sense, as you poke holes in it, a little more truth comes out a little at a time. They are in a fantasy love affair that involves only fun and sex and good times – no chores, no troubled finances, no screaming kids, no cleaning the house. They have the butterflies in the stomach, everything the other man says is funny or brilliant, while everything you say is petty or annoying.

When you confronted your wife originally about this situation, you did not take the steps needed to break up the affair. She SAID she wanted to work on the marriage.


What she did was continue the affair. THAT is what we are talking about when we say watch the actions, not the words. By the way, your trying to be a better husband, changing the routine, had zero effect on her and her feelings toward other man. It did not cause her to continue the affair and nor did it cause her to end it. No matter how you acted, you only were a bystander as she fantasized about her perfect life with other man.

Your story is not unique. Your wife is not unique. You are not unique. Your situation is very common. There always are a few variables, but nothing significantly different. Cheaters follow a very predictable script. Betrayed spouses also follow the script. The plot outline could take one of a few courses, like bad TV movies. You and your wife both are following the script to a T.

Your wife is "fence-sitting" and "eating cake." She "loves you but is not ‘in love’ with you." She is "in love" with the other man. This will run its course on its own. In about a year, or two, maybe at longest three. That’s how long it takes to get over the "in love" feeling, which eventually turns into the kind of love you and your wife have for each other, the more mature settled kind of love, not the exciting, not-knowing-what’s-going-to-happen-next, butterfly-in-the-stomach love. After the "in love" feeling wears off, your wife may stay with the other man out of habit for a year or a few more. Then she will contact you via Facebook, remembering only the good times, and want to reunite with you. If she doesn’t meet anyone else in between. So, if you follow your current course, you might have your wife back in 7-10 years or so.

Your wife is "in love" with the other man, which means she is infatuated, gets butterflies in the stomach, like a teenager with a crush. Her "affair" with the other man is pure fantasy-land; none of the harsh realities of life intrudes. In her affair with him, she does not have to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, do laundry, cook, clean, or deal with any of life’s unpleasantness. With him, there is only I love you’s, sex, and talk of living in a perfect fantasy world together. Of course, no such perfect fantasy world awaits your wife, and somewhere deep down she knows that, but a big part of her wants to believe in that fantasy, just like you want to believe that she will come to her senses on her own. She won’t.

Your first step is to talk to your wife. Get her alone without the kids around. Tell her that you love her and are sorry for whatever legitimate gripes she has against you, that you will improve yourself and improve your marriage, that you feel your marriage will be better than ever if you try to reconcile. Next, tell her that although you feel this way, you cannot go on this way any longer with her cheating on you. Give her a very short time to decide. An hour is not too short; at most, give her one day to decide. Tell her no decision means she chooses other man. Tell her you took vows together, you’ve been married many years, have had children together, and have been through life’s ups and downs together and you don’t plan on waiting any longer as her "backup plan" while she continues her affair with the other man.

If your wife does choose to commit to the marriage, she agrees to give up all contact with the other man now and forever, handwrite a no contact letter to the other man, quit her job, tell you the full truth of her affair, and give you complete transparency of all her communication devices and accounts. If she can’t agree to this, file for divorce. Don’t threaten it, just do it.

If your wife does not want to meet your conditions and work on the marriage, start moving on with your life. Stop engaging with her as your wife, and start engaging with her as your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Be pleasant, but not romantic. Talk to her only as needed to discuss the divorce settlement. If you are financing her affair in any way, stop. Definitely don’t pay for any means she uses to cheat on you.

Also, if she doesn’t choose to re-commit to the marriage right away, expose the affair to the other man’s family and friends. Expose the affair to you and your wife‘s family and friends. Let them know the other man’s name and ask for their support in saving your family and your marriage. Don’t tell your wife you are going to do this, just do it. Expose the affair to their human resources, let the hospital know that they have been using company time to carry on their texting affair (assuming the phone bills show this is the case).

The longer you allow this to go on, the more respect your wife is losing for you. She sees a weak-willed man who is not willing to stand up for himself. When she sees the other man, she sees a strong man who goes after what he wants and doesn’t stop until he gets it. Other man may be belittling you to your wife every chance he gets. And if so she likely is listening to it and not disputing it. If the situation were reversed, do you think she would tolerate it?

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it’s done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely – because it’s for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she’s been cheating on him. I don’t care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don’t change I’m going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don’t improve, leave that person.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they’re doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

"Look wife/husband, I won’t be in an open relationship with you, I won’t give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can’t decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I’m no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn’t work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I’ll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

I agree, you don’t have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don’t have to worry about making it easy for them. It’s no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they’ve chosen to have an affair, they’ve made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.