The fiver it sounds different and special and holy football the guardian

Rumour has it there’s going to be some noise at a football match tonight. Eek! The Fiver’s a meek sort and is easily spooked, so all this talk about the Famous Anfield Atmosphere means it probably won’t even dare switch on the television. Apparently some fans of Liverpool Football Club are planning to wave flags and flares on the streets when the Manchester City team bus rolls through outside the ground. Then when they’re inside there’ll be some songs, shouting and chants of encouragement, plus some more flag-waving and flares, all of which will no doubt make the blood drain from the bodies of the City players. It sounds different and special and holy and it’s no wonder that the NHS is set to release a statement advising members of the public who have concerns about their aural wellbeing to watch Barcelona v Roma instead.

Of course, you’re probably wondering why Liverpool haven’t won a league title for 28 years when their ground is so atmospheric. But it’s necessary to make an important distinction here and point out that we only reserve the awed and hushed tone for European nights under the lights. It saw off Chelsea in 2005 and 2007, Real Madrid in 2009 and Borussia Dortmund in 2015, and we won’t tolerate any mention of Benfica in 2006, Chelsea in 2009 or Basel/Basle/Baarrrrlll/Barzuhl in 2014! Pep Guardiola tried to play down the significance of the Anfield Effect when the three-time Big Cup champion was asked how City can possibly hope to deal with it, but deep down the Catalan knows there’ll come a point this evening when he’ll start to wonder if Robert Huth would make a good emergency centre-forward.

Sergio Agüero’s out, after all, and City do have a wretched record at Liverpool. They might be the best side in England, but they haven’t tasted victory at Anfield since a Nicolas Anelka brace in 2003 and were walloped 4-3 in January. Jürgen Klopp tends to handle himself pretty well when he comes up against Guardiola and Mohamed Salah is all set to terrorise whoever City have at left-back these days. Is it still Michael Ball? Maybe. The Fiver can’t remember. It isn’t even interested. Who cares about the football? Or that City have already held their nerve in the notoriously timid San Paolo this season? Let’s just spend the next few hours talking about the chants. Those hallowed, special chants. That wondrous, magical atmosphere. You’d never get it anywhere else. For here is where you will discover All Football History. LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

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“As well as ‘Away!’ and ‘Get Out!’ shouters, lower league clubs seem to require coaches on the payroll to shout ‘Squeeeeeeze!’ and ‘Pressssssss!’ when the opposition defenders are about to launch the ball from deep in their own half (into ‘The mixer’ anyway). If all these tasks could be carried out by the SAME coach, the resultant savings could be used to employ a staff member to run into McDonalds for the £200 win-bonus meal (a la Andy Holt at Accrington Stanley) – Dexter O’ Riordan.

“I understand that sometimes, before the Purple Tin has flowed freely, The Fiver thinks it has to have principles and stand up for what is right and just in Fiver Towers but occasionally do the Quote of the Day justice and have a root about for the latest thing Rino Gattuso has said. Question: ‘Without the poor refereeing in London [against Arsenal] and [Hakan] Calhanoglu’s chance against the bar would Milan’s season have changed?’ Answer: ‘If my grandfather had three balls he would be a pinball machine.’ I rest my case” – Joe Thompson.

Hubris alert! Sixty Leicester fans will be given free season tickets for the 2018-19 Premier League campaign as the club marks chairman Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha’s 60th birthday. “It’s a journey that would not have been possible without the unwavering support of the Leicester City fans,” cheered a club suit.